Thanks for waiting

As if by magic, about 18 months ago Marks and Spencer checkout staff started each customer with the phrase "thanks for waiting" a nice enough gesture if there had been something of a wait, a bit pointless when you were buying one sandwich and there was no one in front of you and you hadn't been waiting. The next words in the one sandwich situation, "do you need any help with your packing?", "not unless both my arms have just fallen off".

So it would appear that the pointlessness of apologising to someone for waiting when they haven't been waiting has not been lost and now they have stopped saying it, altogether. They now don't say it when you've been waiting for 20 minutes because they can't work out if the coupon to save 20p is a valid one or not and spend ten minutes checking it out.

It's a customer service dilemma in the UK, we really don't know how to be nice to customers, that's not to say service is inherently bad, an average shop assistant is generally helpful and polite, even in the US they aren't always tip top. Yet the culture between the US and the UK is totally different. In a US supermarket I was politely reprimanded for packing a shopping bag myself, I've never known of anyone in the UK voluntarily packing groceries, "do you need any help with your packing?", should be rephrased as "you DON'T need help with your packing, do you? if you do I may be able to find someone who will grudgingly do it, whilst staring at you wondering why you can't do it yourself, sir".

With the advent of the internet and review websites, customer service in general is starting to improve, whether we can get it as a culture will probably take a few more generations. Basil Fawlty was written as a man who was happier when he didn't have any guests staying at his hotel, the guests were always a hindrance, we seem to have moved a bit on that, perhaps we could start to teach staff to use stock phrases at appropriate times rather than learning them and saying them every time or not at all.

The weighty topic of the weight of toilet rolls

In a world where bidets have now been forgotten and newspapers dwindle away it would seem that we take for granted the humble toilet roll.

According to Wikipedia using toilet paper dates back to 6th century China. Modern toilet paper was introduced to the US by the rather charmingly named Joseph Gayetty. Colours and varieties only came into prominence in the 1960s and 1970s.

So recently the last couple of lots of store brand product I have purchased have both had perforation issues, now why the perforations are for such small sheets is beyond me, who uses but one sheet at a time anyway? I've not a problem if they perforate 4 times less than they do now, just perforate so that when I tear I don't end up looking like the human version of the Andrex puppy.

So I reverted to Andrex, arguably the brand leader and on this occasion on a decent offer. So I selected the two above, I'm sure one won't match the bathroom decor but I have no plans to decorate with it. The strange fact with the two packs is that one is at least a third heavier than the other, yet they are the same number of rolls and sheets on each. The one on the right is infused with Shea Butter (I haven't really got a clue, but it sounds good, nothing to do with Shea stadium as I understand), the one on the left is plain white comfort quilt. So obviously the one infused with the shea butter is the heavy one right? Well no (and I'm sure you guessed by my clunking attempt at tabloid journalism there), the infusion of shea butter only seems to serve as making the tissue lighter. Now I can't decide which is better to use, lighter or heavier.

I'm now quite impressed that I haven't resorted to anything even slightly rude with this post, no shit.

Now here's an ad for shea butter Andrex featuring the puppy, who judging by the packs actually prefers the quilted as he looks kind of bored on the shea butter, but no matter.

The unhealthy world of NHS hospitals

I've unfortunately spent more time than most in hospitals, mostly as a visitor, my dad especially spent over 6 months as a patient and I was his only daily visitor, sometimes spending several hours there.

There are an amazing amount of stupid things that happen, in that period I witnessed a cleaner who seemed to only appear on a Friday afternoon, his modus operandi was to mop the floor and while it was drying to then take a sweeping brush and sweep the floor he had just mopped! Fire hoses that may or may not have worked but were probably 30 years old or more and had layers of dust that were probably the same age. Alcoholic handwash is all very well, but surely ceiling tiles with a 12" square patch of green mould is probably more risky to patients and the public than anything else.

My main point of this topic now is the entrance to hospital, one of the first things to notice (after you get through the half dozen smokers outside) is a sign with direction to vending machines, the sign has a large advertising logo for Coca-Cola and points to vending machines selling the soft drink and the one above, full of confectionery. I'm not totally against these items in general use, but surely a hospital of all places should encourage some healthy eating, fruit perhaps, vegetable snacks in fact anything remotely healthy. Given that one of the biggest causes of health problems in the world is diabetes, and a personal estimate would be that at least a third of hospital patients would be diabetic, a major factor being what people drink, be they high or low sugar drinks. Research is now starting to show that diet drinks can be worse for diabetics than high sugar ones. I am by no means an expert, my dad had long term complications from diabetes, kidney failure, vascular problems, mood swings, blindness and ultimately death, so I have personal experience and researched some of the problems he had and their causes.

The diabetic recruitment drive doesn't end there. Having visited the pre-natal department in the same hospital, there is a wall devoted to statistics on diabetes and dietary advice as to how best avoid it, yet in the same department is a volunteer canteen, who's offerings are cakes, sweets, chocolates, crisps, coca-cola and other sugar drinks, in fact general diabetic recruiting products, I wasn't initially inspecting what they sold, I was looking for a healthy snack to eat, there wasn't one, nothing for expectant mothers (or fathers!).

Perhaps the managers of the hospital would argue that people don't want healthy food, maybe they have sold carrots or celery sticks and they have gone to waste, but that really isn't good enough, a hospital should only have healthy food, their staff and patients should only eat healthy foods, there shouldn't be any other option. Hospitals should lead the way in healthy eating, leading by example would surely save money long term, 'training' patients to eat well whilst in hospital may lead to them eating well outside and mean no return visits.

An association with Coca-cola, even in a tentative manner is not too far removed from being sponsored by Benson & Hedges.

Runcible and other made up words

Apparently William Shakespeare introduced over 1700 words into the English language, I wonder how many he'd heard on the street and how many he actually made up.

There's a great page at shakespeare-online.com/biography/wordsinvented.html with a lot of the more famous words. I was personally surprised by bedroom and eyeball, but he didn't do much more than put two words together. I don't recall being told in school that Shakespeare made up lots of words, I would probably have dismissed all the bits that didn't make sense as being made up nonsense.  It has long been a tradition to make up words either for new inventions that didn't naturally have a name or morphing older words.

Some modern new words that have appeared as if by magic are scrappage, cyberspace, jeggings and even internet, all words that weren't words but now are, some will survive and some will not. The word television is now over 100 years old. Also in a book called 500 Years Of New Words by Bill Sherk is the fact that the word nudist didn't appear before 1929, the same year that the words foreplay and spermicide first appeared. I guess with the financial crisis at the time there wasn't much else to do!

The word 'runcible' was used several times by the writer Edward Lear, often in his poems and limericks, most notably in The Owl & The Pussycat.

'Dear pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling
    Your ring?' Said the Piggy, 'I will.'
So they took it away, and were married next day
    By the Turkey who lives on the hill.
They dined on mince, and slices of quince,
    Which they ate with a runcible spoon;
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
    They danced by the light of the moon,
          The moon,
          The moon,
They danced by the light of the moon.

I hadn't really thought too much about this blog post when I started it, as Adrian Monk would say it's a blessing and a curse of mine that I don't always plan ahead, sometimes it leads to unexpected delights and others down a dead end. My main aim was to change the name of my blog, I had thought that no one else would have used the name "The Runcible Spoon", how wrong I was.

There are several blogs called The Runcible Spoon or just Runcible Spoon, there's even a cafe with that name (I'd have gone for "Mince and slices of Quince" for a cafe), so I had to rethink, what would Lear and even Shakespeare do?

Well old Bill was prone to making up words from established ones, making nouns out of verbs and vice-versa and sticking two words together, so I decided on the former and here we have "Runcibilities".

So what are "runcibilities"? They are reasons to be cheerful and things that "get your goat", things that put a fire in your belly.

Up to now in the blog, the majority of the runcibilities have been reasons to be cheerful, I won't be stopping with those and insisting everyone becomes miserable, I'll just be testing out the extremes of my runcibilities.

So welcome to my runcible world, grab a spoon and dig in.

The Umbrella Man - Flanagan & Allen

Written by James Cavanugh, Vincent Rose and Larry Stock, it dates back to 1924 and as far as I know is the only song with the word "thingamujig" in it. Rose & Stock also co-wrote the song Blueberry Hill, amongst many other credits.

Bud Flanagan & Chesney Allen were the most famous British stars in the early 20th century, comedians, singers, actors, they were stars of stage, screen and record.

The Umbrella Man was one of Flanagan & Allen's most successful recordings, the image of the Umbrella Man when sung by Bud & Ches conjures up an image of a poor East End London worker patching up poor peoples umbrellas so they can continue to wander the streets a little drier than normal, on their way to spend another night Underneath The Arches. Perhaps this view is far removed from the images conjured when sung by Louis Armstrong & Dizzy Gillespie. I'm cheered by a song that is about a man who repairs umbrellas, possibly a profession that no longer exists judging by the umbrella skeletons I've seen abandoned in the streets.

Here's a recording of Bud & Ches and below that Dizzy & Louis (I bet y'all wish you were on first name terms like me?)

Clint Eastwood: Son of Stan Laurel

It has long been a suppressed piece of information that Clint Eastwood is in fact the son of comedy legend Stan Laurel. I suppose Clint has never wanted his tough guy image to be associated with the simple character that Stan portrayed in over 100 Laurel & Hardy pictures.
In these pictures it is difficult to tell a young Clint Eastwood from an old Stan Laurel.

Clint was born 16 days before Stan's 40th birthday.
Stan Laurel produced a series of westerns in the 1930s.
Dirty Harry was originally called Dirty Hardy.
Clyde the orangutan in Every Which Way But Loose would prepare for the role by watching footage of Stan that Clint loaned him.

The name Clint is short for Clinton,  derives from the old English place name of Glinton, Northants, less than 200 miles from where Stan was born.

Stan Laurel and Clint Eastwood both had hair that stood on end.

A grass

A grass, a snout, copper's nark, a stool pigeon, slang terms for a police informant. Snout and nark are slang terms for nose, the latter being of Romany Gypsy origin. Stool pigeons were essentially pigeons that were tied to a stool type frame to attract game birds that could then be shot, this started in 19th century America and the term "stool pigeon" was used as a term for someone who lured someone else into a trap, during the wars it was used as a term for spies and now more commonly as a police informant.

Grass has its origins in Cockney rhyming slang and here's a clue

It's a grasshopper, now the rhyme part is either for copper (policeman) or shopper (as in "one who shops"). To 'shop' was also used as a term for informing ("I've shopped him to the police"), "shop" was a 16th century slang term for prison, originally the verb to shop was used as slang for putting someone in prison and evolved into having someone put in prison.

So now you know, remember where you heard it first, just don't rat me out to the old bill.

Apples, pears and other cockney rhyming fruits

I think the most well known bit of Cockney rhyming slang is probably 'apples & pears' meaning stairs, but fruits are used in other phrases too.

Apple itself is used a fair bit, apple tart means either heart or fart, apple-pie is the sky, apple core is a score meaning £20. Apples and pears is also used in the criminal fraternity to mean court, there being stairs between the dock and the cells beneath.

For your summer holidays you may spend time on the apricot (apricot & peach = beach).

A cherry is used for face (cherry ace), a dog (cherry hog, cherries=cherry 'ogs = the dogs, ie greyhound racing).

Lemon (squeezer) = geezer, a "prune and plum" is the bum and of course raspberry (tart) is also a fart. Orange is used as a (racist) term for a Japanese person, "orange pip" being the full rhyme. Orange squash is rhyming slang for dosh and refers to money.

The list goes on, bananas tend to have a lot to do with bowel movement, banana splits for the shits and banana fritter for a toilet (the shitter)!

Kid Creole's Annie I'm Not Your Daddy

Songs about paternity are less common now DNA is readily available, yet in the early 1980s they were all the rage. Michael Jackson vehemently denied that Billie Jean's son was not his and Kid Creole was quite quick at refuting Annie's claim that she was his daughter.

"If I was in your blood then you wouldn't be so ugly" he calmly reassured her.

The line "your mama was in search of love but all she got was used" I always thought was "all she got was you" which is a much funnier line, so ner.

'Kid Creole' was also used as rhyming slang in the 1980s and 1990s for that thriving British institution, the dole.

Anyway here is a rather odd video of a fun song

Richard The Third

Richard The Third wasn't just a play by Shakespeare, he was also an actual bona fide King of England in 1483.

He has also entered into the Cockney rhyming slang lexicon as rhyming slang for a bird

 or a bird (the one on the left!)

It is also used for a turd, but I've happily dispensed with that picture.

The term 'bird' for a lady dates back to mid 19th century when bird was used for all young living creatures and thus a term of endearment for a young lady (filly was similarly used). It continued to be used in the UK throughout the 20th century but around the late 1970's started to be seen as  degrading to women, I'm not sure if it had anything to do with that "tough old bird" Margaret Thatcher being Prime Minister, but who knows?

The missing 8% of breastfeeders

On a recent hospital visit I was intrigued by the two signs encouraging breastfeeding.

79% of men are apparently pro for their own children

Yet only 71% of men want their partner to do it, so do 8% of men hire someone in to breastfeed their child? Do they ask a passing stranger? Do they just want their partner to do it, but not when they're around?
Perhaps these are unrelated statistics, after all the second one doesn't say the men want their own child fed.

Fortunately this is a cheerful blog, otherwise there'd be a rant about a hospital that has signs about the perils of diabetes in pregnancy and a careful diet, yet the only food available to buy whilst waiting is sugary snacks and crisps.

Currant Bun

Currant bun is used as rhyming slang for at least 4 different things.

The sun

The sun

A son

and a nun

Some fatherly cockney advice may be "my dear currant bun, never catch yourself reading the currant bun in the presence of a currant bun whilst out in the currant bun"

Pork Pies

Pork pies manage to give me 2 reasons to be cheerful, it would be three if I actually liked pork pies.

First up is a bit of common Cockney rhyming slang, largely in everyday speech "porkies" is a shortened form for pork pies and is rhyming slang for lies.

"Someone's telling him porkies if he thinks he looks good in that titfer"

So the second reason is the titfer, the wonderfully named pork pie hat, worn by such legends as Buster Keaton, Dean Martin and the bears Yogi Bear and Fozzie Bear from The Muppets.

George Formby's Little Stick Of Blackpool Rock

George Formby was a legendary British star of stage, screen and record. At the height of his fame in  the 1930s and 1940s Formby was probably the most famous man in the land. A gifted entertainer and musician, Formby is still highly regarded as one of the UKs greatest entertainers.

Blackpool Rock was one of, if not the very, first song that had to be edited to be played on the BBC, back in 1937, Formby's double entendres were impressively sophisticated, especially if all the ones we can see now were intended.

The song was written by Harry Gifford and Fred Cliffe who wrote many of Formby's songs, George occasionally altering some of the lyrics.

Looking up the songwriters, Gifford it appears also co-wrote a song called Underneath Your Mushroom Umbrella, which I have never heard but my imagination is doing a good job writing it.

The song includes lyrics such as

It may be sticky but I never complain, it's nice to have a nibble at it now and again

More on George Formby here

and now a bit of Blackpool Rock

Brighton Rock

'Rock' is sold in many seaside towns across the UK and then around the world, mostly with a high UK expat settlers or British visitors.

Known for having writing through it, rock was the holiday gift of choice for the neighbours you didn't like. The scourge of NHS dentist and friend of private ones, rock is essentially a lot of sugar and glucose syrup and part of the diabetic recruitment drive.


'Brighton Rock' is the title of a Graham Greene novel that has now been made into two films I haven't seen.

For this blog and my occasional entries on Cockney rhyming slang, Brighton rock has entered the Cockney lexicon in the plural, Brighton rocks, which tend to be worn in pairs and in yellow are one of Ian Dury's Reasons To Be Cheerful, they are indeed socks.

Cockney rhyming slang - George & Zippy

George & Zippy were star puppets in the long running British TV series Rainbow. Voiced by the late Roy Skelton (who also first brought the menacing voices of the daleks in Dr. Who to life), George was a pink hippo and Zippy was some kind of creature who had a mouth that could be zipped up, Zippy's head resembled a rugby ball, other than that he was one of a kind.

Zippy was loud, brash and irritating. George was a polite voice of reason, often calming Zippy down.

The Rainbow programme actually predates the Rainbow Pride flag by a few years, yet any retrospective viewer could be forgiven for reading a little more into the show than was actually there. George and Zippy could even be the forerunners for Cameron & Mitchell on the US sitcom Modern Family!

So in the world of Cockney rhyming slang how has the names of the most infamous gay couple become used?

"It's getting a bit George & Zippy in here, put a few bob in the meter and put the heating on"

George & Zippy = nippy, meaning cold or parky*

*Parky is a British slang word for cold. a word with no clear origin, possibly a variant of 'parka' which has been in the English language since the 17th century.

Scrambled eggs and Paul McCartney

Scrambled eggs have sometimes been found to irritate me, some hotels inability to make them well has, it almost seems impossible, but they manage it.

There aren't too many interesting facts about scrambled eggs, although on the Wikipedia page they do tell of an interesting preparation using a steam piping wand as found on espresso machines.

But what, I hear you ask is Paul McCartney doing in the title....







If you didn't know, Scrambled Eggs was the original title Paul gave to Yesterday. Now I was going to use my vast knowledge of some of the original lyrics and other useful Macca info, but then with exhaustive internet research (OK a Google click) I discovered that Paul had sung a version of Scrambled Eggs with Jimmy Fallon on US TV in December 2010, there are some grainy You Tube videos and then this version with the lyrics and some Spanish to add to the joy.

A witty riposte

Webster's gives a rather charming definition of riposte as "a retaliatory verbal sally".

The celebrated star of films such as The King's Speech and TV programmes like Dr. Who, Winston Churchill has many a riposte in his back catalogue.

The more famous riposte is said to be an exchange with MP Bessie Braddock who told Winston that he was drunk to which his famous riposte was along the lines of "and madam you are ugly, but in the morning I will be sober". Sadly it's unlikely this ever took place and a similar quote can be dated back to a 1934 WC Fields film, It's A Gift.

When George Bernard Shaw invited Churchill to the first night of his play "and bring a friend if you have any", Churchill replied "I can't make the first night, but I will be free for the second if there is one".


Possibly the most famous is Nancy Astor's comment "Winston if you were my husband I would put poison your coffee", Churchill's reply "madam if you were my wife I would drink it".

Another famous riposter was Groucho Marx, not only scripted ones but also as game show host on You Bet Your Life and whenever the occasion called for it.

One that is attributed to Groucho to a woman who had a large amount of children he asked "Why so  many?",
"Well I love my husband" was the reply. The riposte was "Well I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while".

Cliff Richard's Move It

Released in 1958, Britain's first rock & roll hit pre dated the Beatles by 4 years, John Lennon is quoted as saying that before Cliff & The Shadows there was no British music worth listening to.

Written by Ian Samwell, who also wrote the Cliff & The Shadows hits Dynamite and High Class Baby, Move It reached number 2 in the charts for a then 17 year old Cliff Richard and his backing band (then known as The Drifters a name they later changed to The Shadows to not confuse with the US group of the same name).

The opening of Move It is a match for any classic rock & roll track and the fact that Cliff and the song are still going strong 50+ years later is testament to that.

So here is Cliff and The Drifters singing the song live, check out how cool Cliff is trying to be!

The Teletubbies before The Teletubbies - Harry Enfield.

Five years before The Teletubbies hit the screens in 1997, there were a series of sketches on the BBC's "Harry Enfield's Television Programme".

So long before The Teletubbies set of to conquer New York, a less colourful look appeared on our screens.
These aliens being taught English were not that similar to The Teletubbies, but they did have various antennae and spoke gibberish. Anne Wood and Andrew Davenports wonderful creation of The Teletubbies caught the imagination of children worldwide across 365 episodes until 2001. Anne Wood went on to create Boohbah and worked again with Andrew Davenport on In The Night Garden.

Back with the programme, here is an excerpt from the Harry Enfield show.

See Saw Margery Dawe

Impending fatherhood has made me think and ponder what I can do to help with a new baby, so I decided nursery rhymes would be my job.

My first entry appears to only be known in the UK despite it having been around for 250 years.

Brought up from the folk tradition of workers complaining about anyone in authority (one of my favourites was "I'm the fat man, the very fat man who waters the workers beer"!)

It is possible that workers using a saw would cut to the rhythm of the rhyme to work faster, given the possibility of two workers at either end of the saw would give credence to this. The workers then taking the rhyme home and singing it to their kids could be how it ended up being a long running nursery rhyme.

See Saw Margery Daw
Johnny shall have a new master
He shall work for a penny a day
Because he can't go any faster

Some other places on the internet use Jenny, Jack, Jackie and even other names, but I've always known it as Johnny so that's correct and don't argue.


Here's a twee video of the rhyme

Oliver Twist, Brahms and elephants

So what do Brahms,

 Oliver Twist

 and Elephants have in common?

 

Well they are all cockney rhyming slang for the state of inebriation. Brahms (and Liszt) is quite a common rhyme for pissed (British slang for drunk) as is Oliver Twist.

Elephants? Well this is short for "elephant's trunk" rhyming slang for drunk.

There are quite a lot of others, Schindler's List is another. One I've never heard said but have seen written down is "Newton and Riddley" rhyming slang for "tiddley", this seems funny as Newton & Ridley is the name of the brewery on long running British soap opera Coronation Street.

What A Mouth, What a North & South

So for those not in the know "north & south" is rhyming slang for mouth. A song recorded in the 1960's by Tommy Steele and originally written by music hall comedian Harry Champion and arranged by R.P. Weston, between them responsible for a host of comedy songs.

Champion, himself immortalized in song (Harry Was A Champion) by Chas & Dave, was responsible for such songs as Any Old Iron, Boiled Beef & Carrots, I'm Henry The Eighth I am and other rather curiously titled songs A Little Bit Of Cucumber and It's Cold Without Your Trousers. A generation ahead of Charlie Chaplin and Stan Laurel, Champion was a music hall giant in the early 1900s.

R. P. Weston could also be considered a music hall giant, but behind the scenes as a song and monologue writer (mostly with Bert Lee), they co-wrote My Word You Do Look Queer and my favourite Brahn Boots, about a man who turned up for his mother's funeral in brown boots (no, it really is funny, I'll probably mention it again another day).

So back to the topic, the person who made this video seems to be a fan of Rowan Atkinson (no bad thing) and there appears to be no footage of Tommy Steele singing it or indeed any recordings of Harry Champion.

Boat Race

The Oxford/Cambridge boat race. Dating back to 1829, it has been an annual event since 1856. The tradition is for the losing team to challenge the winning team to a rematch the following year.

The race is held every spring on the last Saturday of March or first Saturday of April. The two boats race along over 4 miles of the River Thames.

Hugh Laurie was a competitor for the 1980 (losing) Cambridge team.

"Boat race" or often just boat is used as cockney rhyming slang for face. "Look at the miserable boat on that".

Here are the jubilant boat races on some winning Boat Racers

Mancunian rhyming slang - Money - Whalley Range

Whalley Range is most notably the place just outside Manchester city centre, there is also a Whalley Range in Blackburn which is probably where the Manchester one gets its name from as Samuel Brooks, who built the area then known as Jackson's Moss, and was born in or near Whalley in Lancashire.

Anyway I digress. Now most of my Cockney knowledge comes from my dad who was a bona fide cockney and I often heard him use Whalley Range as an expression. Doing a bit of research it is possible that this isn't cockney rhyming slang and a Manchester based alternative.

Since most Cockneys never leave the East End and have no knowledge of any places beyond West or East Ham they would not have heard of Whalley Range so wouldn't have known of its curious use as rhyming slang for change. I have of course slightly exaggerated that, Cockneys do occasionally experience other parts of the world, I believe Peggy Mitchell is currently living it large in Spain and she's even been there before.

Cockney rhyming slang - jockey's whip

I've given a "jockeys" to all kinds of people, taxi drivers, waiters, barmen, porters, barbers and many others. So if you didn't already know you may by now have worked out that in rhyming slang a "jockeys" is a tip.

Man with box on head playing guitar

 

Statistics show that buskers with a box on their head raise more money than those without. Boston, MA. September 25 2011.

Cockney rhyming slang - money - Nelson Eddies

Nelson Eddy was a man of many talents, to such an extent that it isn't such a big surprise that his name is now mostly used in the plural courtesy of rhyming slang.
Nelson Eddies is rhyming slang for readies a more common use of the term for ready cash or money.

It can often be used by traders for doing deals in just nelson eddies so there is no invoices and therefore no taxes to pay on it, it's the way Del Boy and Arthur Daley would have done it!


Nelson Eddy was born in 1901 and his career took in a variety of musical styles (from folk to opera) both performing and composing and a range of films in the 20s and 30s. He was most noted for work with actress/singer Jeanette McDonald, the two, who were married to other people had a long affair despite MGM publicity issuing rumours that they hated each other. They both would have divorced but they didn't have the readies!

Cockney rhyming slang - money - a penny

So now the smallest of legal tender British coinage, previously the UK have had half pennies (aka "a brown" = Camden Town) and even other fractions in days long gone by.

One pence is also known as a penny and various names that rhyme with that have been used a Jack Benny, an Abergavenny, Kilkenny are slightly more common ones.

The only real term I have heard used is "clod". To get to the slang we have to go back a bit further. A clod is a variant of clot and used for a clump or lump of grass or earth.
A"clod-hopper" dates back to the late 17th century as a term for a ploughman who tears up the earth.
So "clod-hopper" = copper. Pennies were originally made from copper.

George Formby's When I'm Cleaning Windows

Trying to explain George Formby to those not in the know is almost impossible.

He was essentially a musician, but also a singer, comedian, entertainer and actor (well he made films!), at the time of the World War 2, Formby was the UK's biggest star and played his part entertaining the troops.

I may mention George again in the future but on with the song.

When I'm Cleaning Windows was written by Fred Cliff and Harry Gifford and George himself. It tells the story of a window cleaner and what he sees while he's on his round;
"the blushing bride, she looks divine, the bridegroom he is doing fine, I'd rather have his job than mine, when I'm cleaning windows", so a bit of a pervert, but he just about got away with it.

Here he is performing the song from the film Keep Your Seats Please, the song appears to have absolutely no relevance to the rest of the film as George performs it to a rather uncomfortable looking woman. For regular followers of my blog, the film features actor Harry Tate who has become known as cockney rhyming slang for the number 8.

Cockney rhyming slang - Money - Pound

There seems to be a lot of rhyming slang for all types of money, the rhyming slang is often rhyming another slang word.

So a pound is often referred to as a quid, a term dating back to at least the 17th century. It is thought that it derives from the Latin word quid and possibly from the phrase "quid pro quo" but no one has established a definitive derivative.

So "teapot lid", "saucepan lid" (phrases also used for "kid") are rhyming slang for quid, as is 'squid'.

A 'nicker' is also slang for a pound, originating in horse racing and gambling circles, I have a feeling that this may derive from nickel as small pieces of metal were thrown down to signify a bet being placed.

So for nicker, rhyming slang has "cherry picker" and a few other obscure ones.

For pound itself the most common is "lost and found" or "hole in the ground".

In summing up, rhyming slang for a pound is not as common as general slang for a pound. I have also heard terms "funt" (based on the German or Yiddish) and even more confusingly "dollar" which can also be used as a more general term for money and often only used in the singular.

Cockney rhyming slang - Money - Greens

To kick off the first in my rhyming slang money series we have "greens" a general term for money, or is it?

I had always thought that 'greens' was a term arrived at for money as pound notes were green for quite a long time, it appears that "greens" actually pre dates pound notes being green and is in fact rhyming slang.

Greens = greengages = wages.

Cockney Rhyming Slang - Brown bread

One of the more common rhyming slang is brown bread meaning dead. I've no idea why brown bread became the established rhyming slang as opposed to white bread, granary bread or indeed any other type of bread.

Toasted bread is used but mostly abbreviated to just 'toast' and used in expressions such as "If you don't pay the money you owe, you'll be toast".

'Loaf of bread' is used to mean head and you will often hear the expression "use your loaf" to mean think before you act/use your head.

Ross' new rhyming slang - Wayne Rooney = prunes

In my new rhyming slang, Wayne Rooney is rhyming slang for prunes, hence the expression "Wayne Rooney don't half give me the two bob bits".

So how, I hear you ask?

Simple.

Wayne Rooney = Looney (tunes) = prunes.

I do not know if Wayne Rooney likes a dried up old prune.

Cockney Rhyming Slang - Cream Crackered

Cream crackered is rhyming slang for knackered. Knackered itself is a slang term for tired/exhausted.

A knacker is a term now used for an animal slaughterer who slaughters animals not for food use.

Oddly enough the word knacker is from old Norse for saddle maker. The worn out bits from old horses' saddles, whips, etc were sent to the knacker, presumably for recycling into new saddles. The use of that part morphed into a person where they send worn out old horses to turn into glue, dog food, etc..

People past their prime talk of being "sent to the knackers' yard".

Apparently "knacker" is used in Ireland as a similar term to "chav" in the UK. So perhaps eventually chav and knacker will merge to "cream cracker" to describe a certain class of people in the British Isles.

Ross' New rhyming slang - A madonna

A Madonna is rhyming slang for a 'goner', ie something or someone that is past their prime.

I've got an old piece of meat in the fringe, looks like it might be a madonna.

A Madonna

Cockney Rhyming Slang - An Egon

This is another of those rhyming slang expressions that I've only seen written down, but I found this one too amusing to pass up (if you pardon the expression!).

An Egon is short for an Egon Ronay, the famous food critic and guide book author.

Also used for Egon in rhyming slang is macaroni and baloney, amongst others.

So here we go

Egon (Ronay) = pony (and trap) = crap. This can be used to describe something as not being good or the act or product of you know...

So there we have it, an interesting blog entry or just a load of old egon?

Egon Ronay, all that food tasting makes a lot of Egon

Parsley and The Adventures Of Parsley

I've recently decided that parsley is wonderful, it can be added to most things and improve it, mostly food though, in my experience it doesn't do much for diesel, coffee or an iphone.

Fish, soups, garlic bread, potatoes, pasta, rice, salads all benefit from a bit of parsley, lus it has a nice green colour.

It comes in three types, flat, curly or dried.

Now when I decided on this exciting and informative blog entry I remembered that Parsley was on a kids TV programme.

I actually thought it was Pipkins, my mind went to "Parsley Hare" but then I remembered that that was "Hartley Hare". So I Googled "Parsley kids TV" and came up with The Herbs.

The Herbs was a stop animation cartoon written by Paddington Bear author Michael Bond and animated/directed by co-creator of The Magic Roundabout Ivor Wood.

The Herbs were 15 minute episodes first broadcast in 1968





Parsley The Lion never spoke but his thoughts were voiced. Parsley made it to his own spin off of 5 minute episodes broadcast first in 1970.

They went out early evening before the news.
They featured amongst others, Dill The Dog, dill is also a fine herb, worthy of an entry of his own!
Anyway here's an episode of The Adventures of Parsley

Captain Pugwash

Captain Pugwash was first shown on TV in 1957.
Captain Horatio Pugwash sailed the seas in The Black Pig, his ship.
The first lot of cartoons aired in 1957-1966, then in 1974-1975 and a new cartoon appeared in 1997
Pugwash debuted in 1950 in The Eagle as a comic strip and later in the Radio Times.
The most cheerful part was the theme tune, apparently a tune dating back to before 1850 known as the Trumpet Hornpipe or Thunder Hornpipe
Anyway here is Horatio and the gang (the theme tune's at the end)




Watch Captain Pugwash Ep01 - Down the Hatch in Animation | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

Cockney Rhyming Slang - Made in Hong Kong

I only heard this rhyming slang today, can't recall hearing it before although it has existed for a while.


Similar to "it's all gone Pete Tong", "made in Hong Kong" means something is wrong.


As far as I know it's used for objects and people, for example if you know a dodgy geezer who's been doing bird for various misdemeanours, it's likely he's a bit made in Hong Kong.

Back to school for Morrison's

Someone needs to learn the difference between 'stationary' and 'stationery'.

A genuine dog and bone "dog and bone"

So my latest cockney rhyming slang entry brought up what I think is the first time I have seen the slang being made into what it is, dog & bone = phone.

I'll continue my search for a staircase made of apples and pears, someone married to a Teletubby, a hair piece made of syrup of fig or a watch that was really a kettle.

Dog & bone phones can actually be purchased on Ebay.
Labradors and golden retrievers seem to be the popular types.

Cockney Rhyming Slang - Widow Twankey

Widow Twankey (pictured as played by Eric Potts at the Oldham Coliseum theatre) is a character in the pantomime version of Aladdin, she is Aladdin's mum.

In the world of rhyming slang it is either a handkerchief (hankie) or an American (Yankee). For the latter, the Cockney's don't seem to mind if the American concerned is from the north or south!

I can't say it's a common expression in the slang world. For a Cockney rhyming slang for American, the one I have heard more often is 'septic' for 'septic tank' = yank.

Cockney Rhyming Slang - Christopher Lee, Johnny Cash & Nelson Riddle

So what do the actor Christopher Lee,

singer Johnny Cash

and music arranger Nelson RIddle

have in common?




I've probably given the game away in the title.
They are all rhyming slang for the act of urination!
Christopher Lee = pee or wee.
Johnny Cash = slash.
Nelson riddle = piddle.

I tended to hear Jimmy Riddle after Jimmy Riddle Hoffa. "Going for a jimmy" is the general expression.

A toast rack

A largely archaic and pointless item, most homes no longer have a toast rack, so the sight of one is largely confined to b&bs. A reassuring day off and breakfast with toast nicely cooled off in a toast rack!
For those interested, toast racks date back to the late 18th century, they were designed to stop the toast getting soggy due to the steam condensing. Electric toasters made them fairly unnecessary, but they are still mass produced.